Depression

Depression is no fun. For most of my life I have watched as my dad and other extended family members have struggled with depression. It really just plain stinks. Then after I had Parker I got to experience it first hand, which was no fun at all! We were living in Florida, thousands of miles away from our families and my mom had to leave after only three days, the exact same day that Travis went back to work. I can still remember that day feeling so lost and alone. As the months went on following Parker's birth I made more friends, we bought our first house, and I gained a stronger support group from our ward there, so the depression got better and better, until it was pretty much gone. Then, Travis lost his job, which turned our lives upside down, and I hit a new low. I was in a deep depression for months, even to the point of having suicidal thoughts, but was in denial about it. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong with me and that I needed help. It took me at least 6 months to decide to get help and go see a counselor. Counseling helped me out a lot, and taught me lots of things that I can do to prevent myself from falling into depression. I want to control myself without taking a "happy pill" (not that I won't ever need to, but I just don't feel like a pill fixes everything). In my opinion you have to be proactive and do things to make yourself happy. Anyways, I am kind of rambling, but when I was pregnant with Chloee, I was nervous that I would struggle with postpartum again. Luckily I had a great support system, and didn't have problems with depression, even while Travis was away at Basic Training. This winter though, I have been struggling again, especially the past couple of months since I have found out that I am pregnant. I think that the fact that Travis is getting deployed has a lot to do with it, and just the fact that I have added hormones going crazy in my body. I had a bad day today, so I started thinking about the things that I need to do to keep myself from getting depressed, that I haven't been doing. I haven't been exercising, not that I exercise a lot while I'm pregnant, but I haven't been very active at all. I have also been slacking in my spirituality. I have been just kind of going through the motions, and we haven't even been doing our family prayers, scriptures, and FHE. I have been worrying WaY too much about the future when I will be practically a single parent with 3 little kids, that I am depressing myself. I have a tendency to doubt myself and what I am capable of doing. But as I prayed for help today, I was reminded that I can do AnYtHiNg with the help of the Lord, and that he will help me to get past these feelings of depression now, and that he will help me get through all of the challenges that will come with Travis being gone. I just have to allow him to help and have faith. And do better at the things that I can control, like reading the scriptures and praying more sincerely. So I am going to be working on it! And hopefully on those bad days, that are inevitably going to happen every now and again, I will remember that the Lord loves me and will help me if only I let him. Note: I love Travis so much, and if it weren't for him, I would be lost. As I re-read through this post I realized that it kind of sounded like Travis was the cause of me being depressed. That is Not the case!! Depression is something that I will probably fight my whole life, and the truth is that Travis is my world and I rely on him for so much of my happiness, that when he is not around I become unhappy. I am trying to figure out how to be happy even when he is not around, but its hard!!